Why I’m An Actor and Other Personal Baggage.
Recently, someone asked me why I chose to become an actor. It’s hard work and there is tons of rejection. It’s almost impossible to make a living and you never know when your next gig is coming. There are SO MANY other careers that are much easier, so why be an actor?
For me, it started when I was a kid. I had a very unhappy childhood. Mom and dad were both alcoholics and mom was bipolar. What a combo! I lived with mom and I never really knew what to expect. Sometimes, I’d come home and she’d be so drunk I wasn’t sure if she was dead or just passed out. Dad wasn’t much better from a drinking standpoint, but I didn’t see him much. We lived in a house that was smelly, filthy, cockroach infested, and in disrepair with a yard that was overgrown. People didn’t visit, for good reason. When I was a kid, I often smelled like a mixture of garbage and cigarette smoke (mom was a huge chainsmoker), so I tended to stay away from people. I was bullied by the kids next door. There are times, honestly, that I wanted to end it all. And then, in high school, a friend talked me into joining Drama Club and trying out for a play. I got the part and, for the first time in my life, I really felt like I fit in.
Stepping into another person’s life was an amazing escape from my own unhappy existence. When I was on stage, I felt alive and free to be anything I wanted to be. Acting taught me to dream and hope. Today, I have an amazing life — I live in a great city and have two careers (I’m not just an actor) and friends and family that I love. Today, I don’t act to escape from my own life. I don’t do it expecting it will lead to fame and fortune. I act because it makes me feel alive and free. With each character I portray, I learn something about the struggles other people are going through and I learn something about myself as well. That’s something I cherish.
It took me a number of years to realize the power of acting. Looking back, I realize just how important television and movies and plays were to me — they took me away from my own existence and allowed me to escape and laugh and forget about all of my troubles. Movies and television and theatre can make people laugh and cry and think and take action. It’s very rewarding to be a part of that, even in my small way.
After high school and college, I did some community theatre and got out of acting for a number of years. I listened the the horrible advice people gave me about “getting a real job.” I don’t regret those years I spent away from acting because they allowed me to grow and begin a new career and put me in the position where I can act without worrying about paying my bills. Knowing what I know now, I may have chosen a different path or a different set of priorities, but I’m happy with where life is taking me right now.
Based on my own experience, here’s my advice to you: If you want to be an actor (or anything else you are passionate about), just do it. STOP WASTING TIME. Find a way! Ignore what other people are saying to you and follow your heart! You may get knocked on your ass and you may struggle, but you LEARN. And you get back up and dust yourself off and keep going. Being an actor can be very rough, but if it’s in your heart the struggle is worth it. Nothing worth achieving in life is ever easy. Being an actor is not easy. If it were, then everyone would do it. Life isn’t all about money or a house or stuff… it is about doing something that fills your heart! It took me about 40 or so years to realize that.
In a recent commencement speech at Maharishi University, Jim Carrey gave the most brilliant speech about following your heart I have ever heard. Here is a condensed version of that speech, which is available here… “Fear is going to be a player in your life, but you get to decide how much. You can spend your whole life imagining ghosts, worrying about your pathway to the future, but all there will ever be is what’s happening here, and the decisions we make in this moment, which are based in either love or fear. So many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality. What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect, so we never dare to ask the universe for it. I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which was that you can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.” Amen to that, my Carrey.
I’m am so thankful to be able to do this wonderful thing called acting and I’m blessed that my heart opened up enough to allow me to get past the fear and pursue my dreams. I’m also incredibly grateful that there are those who trust me enough to bring their characters to life on screen. Acting, quite literally, saved my life. If, through acting, I take someone away from their own troubles or make them laugh, or cry, or think, and at the same time learn something new about people or myself in the process, then I am fulfilled. That is why I’m an actor.
And Other Personal Baggage…
When I originally wrote this post, I stopped there, but upon reading it, I realize I have revealed some personal stuff about my childhood that I’ve never really spoken about publicly much. Let me set the record straight by saying that I love my parents (who are both now deceased) and I regret nothing about my childhood. All that I went through growing up made me into the man I am today. I am both stronger and kinder because of my past. In a way, it set me up to be able to handle the constant rejection of being an actor. I also don’t regret getting out of acting for about 15 years, because it allowed me to pursue my career as a barber and has given me a skill I can use to support myself as I pursue this dream. I’ve also done some pretty remarkable things as a barber — I opened two great businesses, broke a world record, and have raised a lot of money for kids’ cancer research. I’ve also made some amazing, lifelong friendships through my barbering career!
Because of my past, I have had to work for everything I have and everything I have achieved in life and it has made me appreciate things much more deeply, so I am thankful for what I went through.
Regarding my parents, when I was a kid, I didn’t understand why they were the way they were. I was angry and alone a lot. With age comes wisdom, and I soon came to realize they were just two people trying to hang on in spite of the hand they were dealt in life.
Mom battled with depression and other issues. She tried every drug they made and even shock therapy to overcome those issues. Alcohol was how she kept the demons in her head quiet. Mom was a very kind and compassionate person and I think she instilled some of that in me. She was also an amazing nurse. Toward the end of her life, after the birth of my wonderful niece, mom began to conquer her demons and started to pull it together. I know that took a lot of strength. Unfortunately, we lost her in a house fire unexpectedly one night. At her funeral, there were tons of people we didn’t know –people whose life she touched as a nurse who wanted to pay their respects. She was a good woman who had to struggle, sometimes unsuccessfully, to overcome some tough personal battles.
My father was also a good, hardworking man. He served our country in the Army as a Chief Warrant Officer. Dad flew helicopters and served two tours in Vietnam and one in Korea. He missed my birth serving his country and sacrificed a lot. I cannot begin to imagine the things he saw during his time in Vietnam, but I suspect that those images haunted him and hardened him. I was too young to understand why he drank and why he was so rough, but I think I get it now. Like mom, he was a good person making the best of his situation. Dad was a hero. It took me a long time to realize that. Dad passed away years ago after a battle with cancer.
I also have a beautiful brother and sister who are both kind and creative and compassionate people. I remember when we were kids (when we weren’t fighting like animals), my brother and I would create these elaborate fantasy worlds. I remember once he turned the coffee table upside down and we pretended it was barge floating down the Nile in Egypt (while the poor dog was dressed up like Cleopatra). That dog, I’ll tell you, was the most patient animal on the planet! I’m actually quite surprised it was me who went into acting instead of my brother. My sister is also an incredibly creative sort and had a huge thing for Liberace when she was young. I think she had a crush on him back in the day — she was too blinded by the sequins to see that he was probably never going to be interested in her. So, my brother and sister also went through a ton growing up and I think they are better and stronger people because of it. They also influenced me through their strength and spirt and I love and appreciate them more than they know.
Well, shit I’ve rambled a bit haven’t I?
So, there it all is. Way too much information, but all of the things that I’ve done and the things that have happened in my life have made me who I am and have led me to this moment where I am happy and passionately pursuing my dreams. All of this is why I’m an actor and my past informs all of my performances today.
My life has taught me the importance of patience and forgiveness and that it is critical to learn from your past, but don’t let it serve as an anchor and hold you back. And it has taught me that life is precious and too fucking short not to do what you love!
